My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. Whenever my boyfriend goes out of town, I deal with missing him by cooking all the things he doesnt like, such as spicy food. Because if Im honestly doing it to help, I should do (and should want to do only) what is actually going to be helpful. He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. Aargh, accidentally hit reply before done editing. Getting up in my business, ever, unless it is shared business (Did you pay that bill?) or I have specifically asked him to (and I quit doing this b/c he doesnt really like it, its one more damn thing on his to-do list basically.) He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. Up until that point, I was always going to fail because a part of me didnt really want to quit. The relationship is no longer going anywhere, Ill let you have your way simply so we can stop talking about it. This is all controlling behavior, and maybe turning abusive. may I say something? Now! If you own the decision yourself, he cant position himself as one of two potential bosses of you (the other being your therapist), because youre making it clear that YOU are the boss of you. Despite all this he was in many ways not a bad guy. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? And when youve told him that hes being unhelpful, and hes told you its the stupidest thing Ive ever heard that you might have your own thoughts on your health and what you need That is him being a jerk to you. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. Please dont give me advice unless I ask you directly.. Its okay to leave. I am an overly logical person. These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. Dont communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact. Encouragement. Listen to his response and try to . . I think your bf is in love with the idea of the person he wants to make you into, the person he wants you to look and act like in other words, hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. Knowing that fucking up around him was something forgivable (or something which didnt need forgiving) meant I felt braver about trying new things because failing wasnt so terrible an outcome. If you want to impress them you try to look decent, plan something that sounds fun, and offer to pay. Not okay. He wont be straightforward in saying no because by using that word he doesnt have to face any consequences for his direct refusal. I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. Pick one.. Absolutely! My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. Soudns like hed already evolved into a wanker. Sometimes its not that he doesnt want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now. Its not that simple, and boyfriend ought to stop acting like it is. Youve clearly already worked out some helpful things. She can call a plumber or locksmith. So, to me, a partner who listens and trusts you about your health and is willing to accept hardships when you have problems is a safety issue. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. I have found a form of exercise that it tremendously good for me: I have an exercise bike that you can hook up to a tablet and plan a route on Google Streetview. 18 Sure Signs He Will Marry You Someday: Cues to Decode His Intention, What Makes a Man Want to Marry You: These 7 Things. But it still got on my last nerve, and undermined my motivation to develop healthy habits. I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. Maybe he thinks he wants you better, so acts in ways that can be seen as toward that goal, but is afraid of you being better, because then he would have no grounds to act superior to you. If you confront your partner about possible infidelity and get this deflective response, you probably want to start paying closer attention to their whereabouts. She cares a lot. Remote kissing device for long-distance lovers, invented and patented by Chinese university student in Changzhou City.The mouth-shaped module, served as an inducing area . And you know what? And its also vanishingly unlikely that he can be moved out of the fixer mode. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. I wasnt being adventurous enoughby knowing for myself what I wanted to drink. He both wanted me to look up to him, admire him, and follow his lead, and for me to be a more confident, assertive person who dressed sexier, partied heartier, and loved to dance. Do either of you even know whether those goals are achievable? Reasonable. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. It may well be correct that he loves her, and it may well be correct that *part* of his motivation is to help her do what he knows she wants to do. Thats right, mind your own business.* Asking how it affects him could give him an opener for a feelingsdump, and I wouldnt want LW put in the position of feeling like she has to manage his feelings about what she does with her own body. If you havent dug into relationship issues all that much in therapy, here is a script for bringing that up with your counseling pro: I feel like we do a lot of work in my sessions on building confidence and motivation, but when I get home my boyfriend harps on me to do better and be better, for example (give examples). Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. He had his arm around you even if it was hot outside and he never stopped using pet names to call you babe, sweetheart, baby girl. It can be hard to stop caring, even when someone has done nothing but bring you down. Then perhaps from there they can move towards leaving. Giving me grief for not doing the other 25 letters is NOT HELPING. But you are in therapy and making efforts to recover, and it doesnt sound like your condition and treatment plan isnt putting their well-being at risk, so that doesnt seem to be happening here. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. My partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and anxiety, and sometimes I act as her monitor/coach/support person in some ways. I dont want to read too far into this, but how is LWs boyfriend? It sounds terrible. Youve been through a lot, and you have been so strong and come so far and you have a wonderful partner who wants to help you and knows whats best for you. I knew I was terribly unhappy, but I felt like maybe our problems were our fault and if maybe I could just find the *right* way to ask for respect >.<, So yeah I agree like 99% that this is a DTMFA situation. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. 1. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. Trouble concentrating. etc.). The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. Exactly. It didnt! On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. Keep an anger journal to track your feelings, triggers, and management efforts. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. This helped my husband and I when I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Some aspects of this sound very similar to my ex. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? He graciously said that hed wait for me to get better, which somehow included losing weight, even though I never said anything about that, but continued to be, well, him, which was a self centered twit who wanted a wife, and not actually *me*. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. Thanks for this post, Captain and LW. But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! If he does answer, sometimes it takes a while unlike before where there were never more than two rings on the line before he picked up now it can take five or six rings! As I was reading the original letter, I was thinking that the question ought to be how to break up with him. What can you do to make him see that youre a strong, independent woman who doesnt need anyone looking after her? Yeah, there were also lots of couples who socialized together officially when there was an Official Occasion, while spending the rest of their time with their respective lovers (totally with each others knowledge and tacit consent). How To Get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, How To Make A Guy Want You? But if he does choose to be a relationship with you, he IS obligated not to be a condescending asshole about it. And exercise does help me it does! You might find some helpful scripts for a well-meaning partner in this Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/. Both of the above. The point is, I actively try to be a better partner and to listen to what he wants, and not just do to him what I think he needs. Oh, this reminds me so much of one or two friends Ive had. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. There are other ways to address issues without him going cold on you. And sometimes, just for fun, exercise causes my body to mimic the feeling of a panic attack, and so I get inexplicably upset and frantic about normal life events! And Ive gotten better about listening. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). When I was in my early 20s I was a mess. Think hard and make plans. Obviously YMMV, but Ive added that to my ever expanding list of red flags, right after people who proudly announce that they have no filter!! I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better. I think doing the opposite of that can also be helpful. OK, clearly Im not making you happy here, what with my not exercising right and not eating well enough and doing the dishes as frequently as you like. Because that kind of encouragement would have felt patronizing to him, were he receiving it. And he could never admit that it was all about him. Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. I dont think all relationships that arent in it for better or for worse and in sickness or in health are bad, but I do think that makes it a more casual relationship and one you shouldnt rely on. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. short and sweet? My boyfriend wants to go all the way but I'm scared it will hurt. Your boyfriend doesn't understand and his point in life putting a relationship ahead of a career. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. If your guy used to care and suddenly cant be bothered, thats a red flag. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. Do with that information what you will. you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck.. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. If you love someone, why are you punishing them? One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. While I didnt see any helpful scripts for the well-meaning partner in this situation, this post did help me understand better how she might feel. This is part of why we dont have a good relationship). You might think about trying an extended period of being away from each other, if such a thing is remotely possible. Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. A common problem is people trying to push people to ignore their new physical limitations and overexert themselves, and this is really dangerous. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) Also the related ones of oh, everyone feels like that [i.e. I make weird concoctions of things that are in the house, and if theyre tasty they make it into the regular rotation! Leave now. Expressing frustration towards behaviors? I want to highlight a few things from your letter that really disturbed me. Emotions *exist* and have a massive effect on our wellbeing, emotions dont just disappear if you have assessed them and decided that logically you should not be feeling that way (at least mine sure dont! In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) I think there are some other strategies you can follow that will improve things for you. They are tools that we need to use precisely because we always have our biases clouding our judgment, and they help us cut through those to get to the essential facts. Reasonable. Your efforts to change your partner's contrary viewpoints (financial, political, religious, or otherwise) have begun to feel demeaning or disrespectful to them, as betraying not only your. Even though I cant even do hosting as much as Id like and my home is a bit of a mess. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? (Ice cream, breakfast for dinner, weird thing you like that he doesnt like. Once the facts are straight we can deal with the issue. The Silent Treatment is a HUGE red flag for me. Whats done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your partner . LW that may sound really harsh about your boyfriend, but from where Im sitting it sounds like a very toxic place for you to be. Because Im sure youve got enough I shoulds running through your head without him adding to the list. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. I can't believe it. That makes me so angry on your behalf. Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. This may, sadly, be a dump him situation. NO. Its okay that I attended to that other stuff first. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. Period. Tell your boyfriend once that you've noticed that he stopped sending text messages. , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . Rest days are a vital part of an exercise routine. Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. Remind you when I see its not done? Just wanted to clarify that, unlike LWs boyfriend, I never tried to help my ex. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. The BF sounds like he is familiar territory to you, treating you w/ the disregard & disrespect that as a child you were taught was your due. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. I 100 million percent second this. But I do also think the LW is getting quite enough You should from their boyfriend. The first step is to find out why he stopped making an effort and this may surprise you. Yo! In some cases, he may have been at the point where it was becoming too serious for him. I think this is great advice. He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. But I have vivid memories of having take-out chinese one night, then reheated leftovers the next, with soup from the freezer a third night, back in the day. I also just wanted to reiterate, in case youre having difficulty with the argument but what if what hes doing helps me? Drownings letter feels very familiar. Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. Send any friend a story As a subscriber, you have 10 gift articles to give . And even in that case, I try to find out ahead of time what kind of helping is not so much helping as it is a reason for them to hate me. Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. Ways this manifests: BOY does he like to research before making a decision. So hes trying to use your own recovery to manipulate you youre not just exercising because you want to, youre exercising because HE wants you to in the way he wants. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. ), how long would you live like this? NOTHING YOU DO IS GOOD ENOUGH! What the fuck? Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? Logic and reason are critical thinking tools. So pointing out that their inspirations and coaching actually make it worse probably wont make it through either. And when he lost a bunch of weight as a side effect of a new medication, suddenly all of his insecurities about it were transferred to passive-aggressively fatshaming me. One thing Ive found helpful is the reflection that self-destructive actions are often also strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular moments. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. I find that the occasional session of length swimming makes me feel mentally great for a while afterwards, but I will also be exhausted for the rest of the day and not be able to get anything done, and usually experience a mood crash too. He (and my Dad!) Heh). Maybe it has nothing to do with you. I hope what the various letter writers get out of this sort of advice is perhaps support that what feels uncomfortable and off to them in a way that's hard to describe is actually terrible no good behaviour. For doing so, as soon as its possible kind of encouragement would have patronizing! But what if what hes doing helps me miss you and see how much value you add his. Pointing out that their inspirations and coaching actually make it through boyfriend stopped trying that. Was becoming too serious for him, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM other first. 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