What do I do? She left me for a month and then came back, admitted she had been with someone else, and I didnt care. Then we are all miserable and Im afraid hell resent me in years to come. So this is what I get out of your story. I dont know how to carry on without him in my life. I am crushed. At first I dismissed this saying No you have to go if you cant love me but then I got to thinking maybe this is an opportunity to show him I realize my weaknesses and that I realize I caused him to loose his since of self and rebuild things between us. Its easy to see when people are lying. However, if you would like to talk about this or any other concern with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. So you have the wonderful feeling of being the object of interest but that doesnt substitute for true love. To fall back in love, you have to start giving. I dont want to hurt him. Its not true!. Obviously we still have a deep connection and there is a reason that we are still trying, whatever that looks like right now. The challenges you face in your marriage might leave you feeling like the union is over and that it's time to separate. But on the other hand Im tell only guy she trust for sex. I now know this takes time and patience. It may be a struggle at first but if you are strong you will make it. 5. Hi Dr. Deb, I just found this website searching for links to help save my marriage. What can I do to get her back? Looking back on it now I can see how we both failed to nurture and care for our marriage. We had huge HUGE communication problems & I felt like I had read the book 500 tines and he was still stuck on page 3. At the time I wanted to get married, he didnt. all this is scaring me and am thinking abt it 24*7 . I cant forgive him and Im not in love with him anymore. He was very upset and angry with me and he thought we were breaking up. I have been dating this guy for a little over 3 and half years and we got off to a rocky start a few months into our relationship when my ex decided all of a sudden after not speaking to me for 6 months just had to be back in my life and showed up at my house trying to talkI made a point to be sure to tell the current bf because I didnt want to lie to him, well because I was very open with him about my past relationships he was not to thrilled and since has had some major trust issues. (I know) she continued to request that we meet. So now we have a big problem. I am now forced to move on without him and even though it hurts more than anything Ive ever felt..There is a small sense of relief..I no longer have to wait for him to hurt me anymore, much less see him day in and day out with the knowledge he thinks Im alot of bad things. Counselling and even medication might be excellent choices. He came into my life when I least expected it and he brought back a part of me that I lost during all the bad times. Until it did. He withdrew sex to the point of moving into the guest bedroom where he stayed for over a decade. Im sorry to read of your heartache. My husband is a cheater after, I had twins it continue and I know that I care for him but down deep inside I hate him. Having to take that risk and live with that risk can be overwhelming to the point that our love becomes mixed with the occasional bout of hate. You dont really love him; you feel needy. Iv been with my boyfriend 4 6years we have 18month old son an I seen he has been messageing some girl telling her her has all these feeling 4 her an he cant live without her I told him what I found he wont let me message her as he says it none of my bisness, After a lot of arguing he said we can make it thought this but he still has this girl on his fb I love him an dont wanna lose him am I just being selfish tring 2 keep hold nowin he may not love me da same. I could not bring myself to confess to her because I was scared of her reaction and the outcome so I tucked it away and love her the way she deserved to be loved going forward. So we are taking the tough challenge to rebuild. I would hang out with him but I was never really there because I was dealing with what happened to me, and even when we would talk on the phone I would never really be listening. The comfortability we had with each other was phenomenal! She claims it was a joke. Im still hurt and seeing him as a five year old boy, not a man. Could you please reply to my post from Sept 20? Good Morning Dr. Heb, Hi guys, He decided he needed space and kicked me and the children out of the family home to be able to focus on himself getting better and so I can focus on myself which sounds great in theory but me and the children are living with my family sharing a king size bed in a 1313 room. Hi Missy, My ex has a crush on some guy who makes her feel better because I unknowingly cut her down. Well, I did worry and it put a breach between us. Am I trying to rush things too much? What do you think I should do? Cheating, lying, hiding, ect!! I ferl list in my professional life as well and feel like maybe im just taking it out on my relaitionship? I genuinely love this man. So I was dating a man I met online, for a year it was long distance. He fears that another depression like that will keep occurring, and although I cant technically promise such a thing, I keep reassuring him that Im not depressed anymore. And in retrospect, I am not convinced those feelings of hatred were actually for him. Our dark past has affected us both and I wish there was a way we could both get pass this hurdle and rebuild our trust for each other. She is at her mums at the moment and said we need space and will come back Tuesday to talk but the impression I get is that it is to sort out the practicalities of next steps not to work things through. I understand what he was trying to do. Here are some steps that you both can take: 1. The bottom line is that sex was meant to cement a relationship. These steps are going to help me more than you will ever know!! I just recently started counseling earlier this week to help achieve this. A no-pressure approach is the opposite of the needy approach and in and of itself is respect-worthy, therefore attractive. He told me that when we talk I give him anxiety and he wants the divorce asap. she said shes forgiven me but doesnt think well ever be together again. I am unable to convince him otherwise. And furthermore, if you could take him back then he should be mature enough to take you back. I would do anything to have him back I love him so much and with everything we have been through I cant imagine him calling it quits. I did start therapy, we even went together sometimes, but she wasnt very helpful. Hello, Dr. Deb He is being patient with me as I battle these emotions that he has created. First of all, he doesnt even know how. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I asked him what I could do to make up for it and he said figure it out. We talked about it a little and he just keeps telling me to figure it out. Were on the same team!! You will be hurting the whole time.we all have the right to pursue happiness. I just dont know what to do. im so confused, not too mention there has been a pregnancy and miscarriage too since he said i no longer love you, it was his baby. Ripped off. I too loved him very much. I dont know what to do. This tells me that you actually lack some of the coping skills you need. Im trying to forgive myself for unknowingly hurting him. First boyfriend, literally everything. The first 3 years were great. Hi I been married 4 years with my husband and we have a daughter. I would suggest you have a good look inside yourself and ask yourself what, exactly, you are looking for in this relationship. Valentines Day we reconciled. I love him so much and he is my king. Heres the last part of my comment. And his reasons are quite vague, saying that he feels stuck and trapped and cant see any other way out but to separate. He has never had a steady job, and im lucky if I get a couple hundred bucks off him a month. I want to let go of this resentment I have for him but when we argue it all comes back. I just cant get over the feeling that I will get hurt again, sooner or later. Hi Teri This man deserves a better girlfriend, a better wife. Open with his communication with her. This I learned mid July. Then i decided to tell her i am alone. I texted D & asked her to return our vehicle immediately. This relationship I have with my husband now is a completely different world for me. Well, weve been on 2 vacations together within the last 2 mths and I have been in my old home and have stayed over a few nights, now but not manyAfter we went to the beach the 1st time ,I basically wrote him a novel (10 yrs of things that I have wanted to say & I wasnt begging for any type of relationship but he must have taken it the wrong way) I laughed it off & explained that those were things that I have waited yrs to speak about & he responded vaguely and statedI think we are just better off as friends and I am sorry that we had sex while we were at the beach! Seriously? Three months after the disclosure, he was on his knee proposing to me & asking that we re-new our wedding vows & return to the church where wed married in 1976 to do so. And when we broke up it was hard. i have been in a relationship since 2years . We were in a relationship for 3 years and a half. When we moved out to the new area she shut me out completely. You ski with regulars over course of 2 years through talking got to know a man, we started seeing each other for lunch after ski session everything moved slowly ended up going to bed. My wife feels so wronged by the past, whether entirely correctly or not, that shell curse me out and call me names, put me down and insult me over everything small and big. I wasnt happy before but now Im down right depressed and I dont think things will ever work put but I cant imagine a life without him in it. You can not rush this you must put yourself aside and your feeling and le him handle his. He seems to be in selfish state of mind and thats okay, but dont call me friend or tell others that you still want to marry me and dont even act like it. He is a good provider goes to church, and he is a good father. And while it has happened more than once in the past it has just caused such a deep resentment that I am now at a juncture where I just want to leave the relationship and work on my own happiness. she wants to fix our relationship but she dosent feel she loves me right now Very out of character. He lost all contact with his ex fiance. She tells me she doesnt her self yet her friends say she does? I have never loved a woman like I love her, and I honestly dont think I ever will again. Where does this other girl stand ? He cares about me but I have pushed him away so many times that the love is gone. He told me that hes planned on forgiving me, and always planned on getting back together and he tells me that he misses me. But in fact I miss her so much. The first time I found out he begged for me to take him back. I said this didnt have to happen and he said youre right, it didnt. To give us a new start and to find jobs. Therapy helps and , as I said earlier, I recommend it. Its all so complicated as the other guy had told his wife also that hes had enough and thinking of seperating. I dont want to push him further away by doing the wrong thing. He has taken off and emptied our bank account and left without word or a call that he is alive and ok for days. 15 First Date Ideas I told him that I may have just used him for sex but I am finding that I do still care very much for him & I never treated him with respect or appreciation. I know I love her with every ounce of my being, but throughout the relationship, I managed to abuse her physically and mentally. We had great chemistry. He realised she did like me. I have been doing alot of soul searching. After all, you are a quality person! I let him do what he wanted, and he finished in me! Maybe youve been married a long time. Dated very little until me. I sincerely hope you dont mind I posted a link to TEDH article. I guess my question is how depression and relationships work? How do I let go of fear and love again Innocently? Wow your situation sounds much like mine but its the other way around. 3. On thinking about what I say and do so I dont cause anymore damage. The Persuaders were not, in fact, singing about hating and loving a person at the same time, but about love turning to hate. I was distant, angry, i ignored her i actively pushed her away and made her feel irrelevant for 12 years off and on. It seemed or I felt like it went from being ours,us,we to everything was his or my house type of attitude. Hi All Told me not to worry about baby daddy. I wrote on here in November of this year. How can I prove to her that Im changing because I really am. I dont know what to do in these situations, because I usually bug her about why she is irritated usually to the point where she says she doesnt feel like dealing with this relationship anymore, How do I fix this and what can I do to get this relationship back to the spark that we used to have in the beginning ox the relationship. I have been with out my youngest daughter for 4 years and now my husband say he doesnt love me anymore He felt out of love with me , but is hard for me to accept that i can imagine the life with out them , I feel angry use and betrayed by him but i love him. The results revealed that some of the same brain areas were activated in the two conditions. . Peters car was parked in her driveway. I feel stupid for staying this long. Go and get a bible. I never felt anything like it. She came home said good night to the kids. A girl has guy friends too , he got mad & then I got mad & I ignored him. I have tried to be the strong person in our marriage, I finally had decided that his jealousy and distrust in me has come to an end. Mark, dr deb could you please help me with my note..Thank you. I have been you and I dn t and it didn t eventually nd well. His wife to this day doesnt know anything! The problem is you havent lived long enough to see it from the other end. But there's a fine line between "want" and "need," and when the "need" outweighs the "want," you have a . She admitted being with a guy for 7 years because he took care of her every need and she didnt have to work. He even communicates with my mom still and tells her that he still has a goal of marrying me. I really want to try and work things out any suggestions ? I think Ive been showing them that Ive changed, but I think he believes Im only acting like this because were not in a relationship. On the date, I am planning on taking her to an aquarium(cause shes never been and has wanted to go), take her for lunch, and then take her to a special place where weve had good memories (Lake Las Vegas), and I plan on playing the first guitar song Ive ever sang to her when we first began dating. Should I continue to work on our relationship and eventually she will come back or should I move on? I have treated the one person that I truly admire like crap for so many years. I need to stop blaming him for everything and take responsibility for my failings. I know I was wrong and I should of had trust but he wont give me a chance. Please help me Dr. Deb! The fact that you got along so well for so long is very nice but you started out real young, too young to know how a person would handle life. You do not have to go though this. I have a bit of a quirky personality where my heart and intentions mean well but sometimes maybe I come off as hard to read. You cant just say, Because I know. That wouldnt be strong enough for him. But I am focusing on you because you are the one that asked. Not only that, we have two children together. 2. My final rejection of his efforts to start again are a step to far. When your ex- sees you as completely changed and she, too, is stronger and healed, then there are possibilities. She simply did not answer. I thought we were on the same page but after the silent treatment for 3 weeks I said well apparently I am not worth it for you to not try to talk to me. I guess he got tired of having to reassure me he was where he wanted to be and that I was who he wanted because without me realizing it I have pushed him away. We fought a lot about money and being broke and our intimate life became non-existent and problems in the bedroom because how much we fought and never settled anything. You just want to keep hating the person who has hurt you. He left on a business trip the next day and we didnt talk. Is it possoble and whar should I do. We are very much in love now, 2 years later, and I do have trust in him but I feel it never fully built up because he shattered it during the most fragile stage. Is trying to be open just a bad idea? I feel dead inside and can only blame my selfish actions and lack of give a shit. Because I finally sm telling the truth about the wolf snd now there was nobody to believe me. 4. im now going into 6 months. If both people in a relationship can open thier minds to understand that there is nothing but Love in our classroom we are all living in, then healing happens and the heart is the winner for both. I know he loves me very much he says he needs me but I need him to love a need himself first. The ex did a lot of really terrible things with manipulating them etc. That happens to be a bad idea but our society works that way. Old whats wrong. Hi Kim, The entire thing has made me crazy and depressed. i ask for meetup face to face , he avoided. Its a hard pill to swallow. I have begun researching Marriage and Relationship Counseling in our area, and she says she will go. I lost the baby in April of 2013. Although we were getting along ok I couldnt help these feelings. Honestly, when I said it I didnt think it would hurt him but it has been a problem ever since. Thats what she wasnt. He fell for me and i think i have feelings for him too. The thing is, I know what hes going through because I fell out of love with him as well a longer while back, but regained it again, a new deeper love, over time through both his unknowing efforts and mine (I didnt let him know of it). He says that I dont do anything for his to trust me, what am I suppose to do? We had our petty fights, but nothing serious until we had a pregnancy scare. but i really love him. Like u did. I just dont get how shes so perfect and can make my husband fall in love with her giving her his all while leaving me on the back burner. We have been there only two weeks and he tells me he doesnt love me anymore and will be moving into an apartment. The thought of sex with anyone but him is not an option for me. And would he put that ring on your finger? One year down the line.. he started liking his job, he settled in finally.. but the attitude towards me did not change. Is it any way that my husband might have a change of heart and can fall in love with me again.Or are we totally done and hes all in to this co worker lady now. The Honest Aftermath Of Being Raped By Someone You Loved By Unwritten - Apr 13, 2016 Trigger Warning: This piece discusses elements of rape, sexual violence, and sexual abuse which may be uncomfortable for some readers. have been married for 9 years we have done allot to each other emotionally I would tell him to go because so he would not listen to me it put a lot of stress from both of us I would go out and he would go out he would come home drinking without you he would just ignore me thought he didnt love me you have kids together and I want to find the way he told me that he a lot of love with me now and the 8 months I want to find a way to maker of work or marriage work I still have feelings for him and I only actually found this out after we were separated how much I really do love him and miss him that I need him in my life and I want him in my childrens life the friends that we have sometimes it seems like they wanted us against each other I dont know if its just me thinking that or maybe they really were. 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