Then he knelt down and apologized that my best-friend told a lie that I was cheating on him, He was advised to divorce me so they can get married. I know this post is old, but I completely relate. Its tough because you cant make them not stop seeing each other. My brother and his two children have been abandoned because my brother supported me. I was shocked but not surprised when my family sided with him. Is that normal with your boyfriend and his ex wife still go hang out with his ex wife. The only thing Ive ever said was to my sister explaining that I dont feel comfortable coming to family functions if my ex is there. My mother invites him and his wife over for dinner and they get together for birthdays and Christmas and they all exchange gifts. But if there are still things from her laying around, thats often because he hasnt fully processed the whole breakup situation yet. And she needs to have a hart to hart with herself as to why she hates her ex so much. My Dads family still does things with her too. The result is that the family expects this and expects you to get along and make due with the relationships that you asked them to build. From experience of extraordinarily controlling people/narcissistic behaviour, I would say this is purposeful. My children were ALWAYS Gods children before they belonged with anyone and I know Hes never stopped protecting them- or me. I feel sorry for my ex husbands new partner because she will sadly see the light in the long run. While they were dating my boyfriend and his ex spent a lot of time with his parents. This hurts like hell:(. Funny thing is your ex might also feel like a victim. But still NEVER be interested in her as a romantic partner again. It amazes me how childish people become when a relationship ends. It really annoys me. Every person says,he didnt do it to me so why shouldnt I? To me, its the worst form of betrayal. Even my dad calls my ex husband to chat about flying and will even help him by doing odd jobs for him just because he is a Captain for an airline. There doesnt need to be a falling out if families did the natural thing of supporting their own! She asked me to stop talking to my friends to avoid problems with her, I asked her to do the same with her ex, she claims that she talks to him because of her daughters, which are old enough to do the talking for themselves. Is it possible youve made veiled ultimatums that they resent and are subconsciously preferring your ex as a form of protest? Now, it is questionable as to whether my ex is the father of my grandson. Would I actually have to go to such lengths? Your sentiments match mine to a T! Never did she say he was abusive. I would be too. I did that, too. If your boyfriend and his family find it hard to discuss sensitive. It? being when a divorced family member is replaced by the ex. I never even had one phone call or message from any of my family, even after asking if any of them could have the boys for any time! Why? I can understand if he was just a ex, but you have children together. last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband. "@type": "Answer", You cant face people to do what you want them to do, but this behaviour could cause a major rift in your family leading to toxic feelings of resentment and eventually end up in YOU cutting ties with your family in order to protect yourself. I know exactly how you feel. Wheres the family loyalty?? 6) He has an issue with her love life This is a huge indicator that he's not over his ex-wife yet. I was excited until I learned that they were moving into a house five doors down from my ex-husband. He tends to be awkward in social situations and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I absolutely agree with Your view however I myself still struggle with this decision. It was easier to cut the ties and not hear them telling her to reconsider. I dont have a problem with him having a relationship with anyone in my family but I dont think I should have to be there when he does or give up my family vacation. I am thinking that she stopped letting us see him because we stopped loaning her money and/or because I called her out on what she was doing to her son. Some people are just that nice. My therapist said I hurt because my family will never be what I wish it was. THis woman wants her family back and doesnt have to see her ex husband everything she has a family funtion. I try to focus on all the good things in my life and the friends that have stood by my side and whom I call my unbiological family., Something similar has happened to me. Some of that healing and growth could begin with showing up at some events with your kids even though hell be there. But professionals and legal law disagrees. I havent spoken to my mom in 4 years. I actually did ask my Mom to not engage so much with him, she basically flat out told me no. wtf? They need to back you up 100% and cut off all ties with your ex. At least for the sake of your kids. I told my family from the start that it was bullshit because they witnessed the drama, lies, allegations etc that she caused during the divorce. No wonder their are more single moms now then any other generation before you. What is really even more disturbing is the fact your family is participating doing this with him even though they know they are hurting you. Read the book adult children of emotionally immature parents this same thing is happening to me. My sister made friends with my ex on Facebook. Shes smart, everyone else is dumb. Staying in touch with an ex who abused you, cheated on you, lied to you and left you after twenty years is not ok. They dont care about you at all.. Sorry, but he became my husbands BF during those 18 years and now we are suppose to kick him out of our lives because she feels guilty being around him?? You need to let them know that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. Also seems shes excluding herself for some reason. I personally could not love, let alone like a person that has hurt someone in my family. Im going thru the same thing right now. I went to bed. I would feel betrayed if its family. He invites them over for barbecues. People with autism are afraid of change so he was afraid to move in with me, but also bc his father said it wasnt a good idea. Boundaries need to be set and respectedbottom line. That being said being divorced means the kids time will be split. } She goes to all family functions, we dont get invited. My family reached out to him after my eldest had been alienated from me as a teenager. My ex also dumped my stuff at my Dads and my Dad wouldnt drive 7 miles to my Mums to drop it off! That is why I advocate for being completely honest IF they ask. You and your ex will both form relationships with new familes as you move on with your lives. This guy needs to piss off and get his own family. Divorce is one of the most hardest thing youll do & then to end up that you have no family! Everyone should be pleasant to him but thats it. They need to see your perspective. I bet you however that most people you have told about this cant believe your own family has acted in such a way. She explained to me that she will support me the same way, so I never relied on her! Because the sanctity of marriage is important to my husband and me, we lost great respect of my sister. If she doesnt want to be at family functions if he is present then she needs to tell her family far enough ahead so they can make a decision on whether they will invite him or not. I give you so much credit for thinking of your kids first. Here's what the experts say you need to ask and what to look out for that might spell trouble in the relationship. They dont bring her up around me anymore. What does it mean when your ex boyfriend is seeing someone but tells you not too? Well, long story short, my family knew about the abusive. I had no family member to talk to, worst was that, he apologized to my family including mom, confessing the ills he has done to me. So maybe he's tried to address your concerns but the problem hasn't gone away. I left his family alone out of respect for him but hes basically taken mine from me. My Dad, Step Mother and their children were the same with my ex. Abusers are very manipulative. But theres a way to work around that; that doesnt involve you/her kicking your/her ex out of your/there life entirely. Your family may choose him over you and that is their choice. We have been married for nine. My sister just got divorced, and we (my kids and I) have to ask HER permission to talk to or see her ex.. my kids uncle! Finally if you are a christian, please forgive yourself, your family and your ex and save yourself the headache and burden of the pain. Often the person leaving has been putting in the most effort and done everything they can to save the relationship before they throw in the towel. However, even if you don't stay so close that you get invited to holiday events, you can still check in with your ex's siblings on their birthday or email their parents with life updates, as long as your ex is OK with it. They are master manipulators and will have laid the ground work for years; running you down and always presenting themselves as the victim. I dont think its unreasonable at all to expect loyalty from your family, but they dont see it like that, they obviously think its ok to be freinds with him. but will in a second to my current wife, which I think is tacky as hell!!! Uh. I told my nephew how I felt about him letting my ex and his g/ f come stay there. It was our decision for how and when we shared this news, based on our relationship with our exes. Please do what is best for your NEW family. It is just an ugly reality of back stabbing and I have learnt to watch my own back and believe only in Jesus. I told him to explain and he wouldnt. They are aware of the concept of divorce. Who wants to ride that emotional rollercoaster with people??? Her husband is still talking to my ex against my wishes. "@type": "Answer", I respect his space and time with his family. When his male friend from work calls, your boyfriend has no problem taking the call in front of you. I dont get to see my little niece or nephew grow. My parents, and sometimes my sister do the same thing to me. He told my dad to tell me to go to hell (which of course he didnt) he tried to turn my kids against me(which are not his kids, theyre mine from another marriage) he also turned my sister against me, which her and I use to be close. You would think, by now, he would have moved on and focused on his own family and his gf family. I had the amazing blessing to find a therapist, time to heal and just let go of them all. Ive maintained a painful relationship with my whole family throughout all this for the sake of my kids but now Im wondering if walking away would have been better for my emotional health. Their only excuse, its not about me or my kids and I need help if I cannot see that. Do I just give in and be miserable or choose to be happy and not go to family functions? My parents are in their 70s and I know that what they did was wrong, I cant understand why no one else understood this. I find them disrespectful and they dont care about our feelingsalways trying to cause trouble in our marriage. Ive never had a problem before until she doughty the house next door. He compares you to his, because hes still thinking of her. No. I know exactly how you feel. It makes it harder for me to bond with my new family if the ex is constantly a presence. I've had exes whose mothers I feel certain loved me more than them (well, I intuited it), and it can be sad to stop hanging out. I think family should support you. I hadnt had an affair before leaving. Before you assume the worst: if he still talks to his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, thats not necessarily bad. You can work on your feelings and soon they will change. They called my ex husband and spread lies about my partner. Reply to Chris Chris. I hear the heartbreak in your words. I do feel we have an innate need to be backed up by our biological family but I agree that the needs of the children are paramount. It also happened to me. "If your partner has a passion, get involved. It can. name for it? A lot. Yet hes going to dinner & drinks? Some exes alienate their families as a form of punishment against the person who left them. 39 Signs Your Boyfriend's Family Doesn't Like You. The ex lied to the high school staff that court orders existed, that I could not come see her or attend events. His birthday was 2 weeks ago, she didnt even talk to him on that day or any day after. Ive heard many stories from the middle of the situation, the little lies the subtle manipulations, the jealousy the list goes on and rarely just from one side! The pain you are feeling now will be lessened with time. My family. All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft, Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column. Ive called her on this and told her it is inappropriate. I sooo relate to this, thank you. I have family members who still talk to my ex, think he;s such a good guy, he cheated on me and so, they dont care I guess they feel I deserved it,,, otherwise they would cut ties right? He was right. Its just unfortunate and heartbreaking when your own family doesnt respect those boundaries. why did he pretend again 2 love me wen i was already in love wat was his gain from hurting me not once but twice bout be onlove with me he never share same feelings as i he mislead me again why all i did love him real live and furnish his apartment 2 bedroom and his son room, I was dumped after 47yrs of marrige and said he never loved me plus he still wants his ex from 1969 They have told him they chose sides in his parents divorce and shouldnt have done that. Now I know am not the only one, I got comforted though the situation is still the same. Try to follow your faith and ask the question to God and family in addition to seeking advice in a forum. You are not alone, Stephanie. But now my father told me that he and my mom want to be friends with him and they dont care that it bothers me! I promise you that youll feel better once you dont care anymore. This has to be extremely confusing and painful for your children as well. it is not normal to keep the ex in the family even if he is a nice person. Most of my family respected my feelings, except for one cousin. I couldn't wait for them to move so I could have a relationship with them. Sadly, this helps. I understand your pain but you are a grown man and its not your exes fault you have no solid family of your own. My heart is broken and I cry a lot. I look back now and understand that these people took all my love and attention over the years and had never really reciprocated any of it but this only became plain when circumstances changed and due to geography I could no longer be the one putting in 99 per cent of the effort. Stop obsessing over it. They have never given me a chance, never tried to know me. Very similar. I went through this with my exhusband. Im sure they were both severely depressed over my departure. She told me that with all her might and energy she would see to it that the Id never have a relationship. Totally agreeits beyond crazy!! he has been invited to 2 upcoming weddings (even though I asked them no to) so we can enjoy our family without seeing him, hoping to get my family back. The only person I shared his dirty deeds with was my Sistersbut never smeared his charactor throughout the family. Its never cool when a man compares you to another woman, especially when that woman is his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. Of course not I told her. I was to say the least beyond belief as we were only married for 4 years and he had nothing when we marrried. Maturity? I am a very vocal person but in this situation I havent commented much on the topic to my family because I dont want the drama. I think after 15+ years, you cant turn off people. One where a parental figure has to be respected no matter their behaviour and adult siblings follow suit either for an easier life or they are so conditioned that they accept the behaviour as normal. IA. If the ex who used to be in love with this person survived going their separate ways, then the family will get over it too. You presumably made the decision? In marriage, I had a sense of loyalty, I never went to my family and bad mouthed my spouse and told them all his shortcomings. If I had have been there at least I could have provided concrete proof for at least some of his lies that they chose to believe over their own daughter/sister. He did tell me the other day that his ex was dating someone new, and that he was happy for her. A marriage isnt a date, slut. Im experiencing this ex-loyalty with my husbands ex-wife. Stay around for the sake of your children but beyond that, find new friends and hobbies and move on. If you want to stay awaythats fine too. Sounds like you are the one with the issues. She is best friends with my ex, and she fully supports her like SHE is her family and Im the outsider. There is no way I would have expected my exs family to accommodate me! Its purposeful. I do believe your family should be putting you first and it just sounds like a bit much with the time they are spending with him. Thanks. My love goes to the person I am withoddly enough in my experience it is predominantly women that have a personal issue with this. I do not believe that God would want anyone to stay in a toxic relationship i actually credit God for helping me to get out of it because it literally took a miracle. If her sister would rather have the ex come to Thanksgiving, knowing that this woman her her five (LDS?) I am happy. Blows my mind. Like I didnt choose the life of divorce. No your not unreasonable! When I was married to my ex he always tried to start controversy with my dad and my dad wasnt crazy about him. He has moved in with her and her family. He was in a long relationship with her and she ended up cheating on him over 6 times before he found out. Ive been with my boyfriend little over a year and a half. Our lives went on.. Family should be the first priority. Why would you have important family gatherings, and isolate your own sister or brother? It really is unbelievable and they think I am the crazy, nasty one?! It was sickening. After the divorce he made it his mission to make himself look like the good guy and me as the crazy one. To be able to act so cruelly to a blood relative is just abusive. They have nothing to do with her EX!!!!
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