His annoyance crossed the threshold when he saw the man responsible for everything on one of the channels. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. Ive been dwelling on the idea of confronting my wifes lover. It's ours. Let her go. Do you think that the other person has a good read on the situation? Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. When she returns home with her cum stained panty underneath, please hug her again, and tell her how much you love her, and how she is the apple of your eye. This article originally appeared on YourTango. My husband does stay in touch with his dad some. So so arrogant. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. with his or her lover? You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. The thing is, you WILL get through this. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. Oh well. Love is really just chemical responses in the brain. Then, I will confront her openly. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. They now live the life I was supposed to have. Do not fight around him or anything. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. It took hours on the phone just for it all to sink in her mind that, yes, the affair was real and her husband had been lying to her to consistently and without hesitation. At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. Youre awesome, happythoughts. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. It was true, I DID have to have them. The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. As soon as I told her, she didnt deny it, and soon acknowledged it. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? But that, in of itself is helpful. At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. It's all good. You have every right to feel the way you do. The reality from her own words was that she will never be anyones number 1 and that hurts her deeply. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. She hasn't. I think it is amazing what you decided to do. But it seems to be working for all parties concernedthe other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. 2018 Truth About Deception, Examples of contacting the other person . Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. Blessings to all the betrayed out there. When I was on my way to rejoin my husband, she sent me several crazy sounding messages, which I read between flights, telling me that he needed to get out of Tennessee, and that she was "calling the law" on both of us. Edited July 12, 2011 by yawn_interrupted Probably not. Never. I feel like I have been run over by a train. My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. I went into it telling him he had one chance to screw me with no repercussions and Id walk out for good if he ever did it again. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). It's an ego boost to your cheater. Everything went down just like the post mentioned. Over the years, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. I never responded after that. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che But I would never answer the call. This is bigger than us both. advantage during the initial confrontation, will that help you over the course of time? She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. It is scary, but it is so worth it. You will find someone who is deserving of you. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. They might actually be crazy. Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. Your funeral. But keeping secrets no. She used the same kinds of words my lover did; you could tell that they were a couple. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. Talking to the other person can cut both wayssometimes it drives a wedge between a cheating spouse and his or her lover. It is better that I know him. I had to realize WHY he wanted out and forgive him to move on. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). All Rights Reserved. She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. We've turned a page. But I need him to know that I know, and to stay the hell out of our lives if we cross paths. - I was a complete gentleman - truth. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. Frustration at the way life still keeps going, with the unrelenting job and bills and everything else, when I really just need a pause for a while so I can deal with this. Im not sure if I should respond to the apology or just ignore. I caught them and confronted her about the affair three months ago. The person I need to confront is my spouse. Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. Youre as naive as they come. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage. Did you try marriage counseling? His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. They have no shame. The most common rationale is that you are sexless and crazy. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? What you will be going through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc. I would not want something like that to happen. My H and her had very similar personality. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. Hope for Healing Registration Soon! NEVER. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. Don't participate in this humiliating game. It taught him there wasnt a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. The best person to face if such a situation arises is my husband. He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? I never responded to her message..it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) I would like to communicate with you further! Go right ahead. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. Do not upset the poor girl. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. September 9, 2011 6.16am. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. I thought she was not worth my time! I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? He bolted. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. @manup I'm not sure how I can proceed without telling her, surely that is the next step to confront her about the affair. I figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her to know the truth. Any how. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your divorce (that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear). Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . I choose not to indulge or become a part of the negativity in the world. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. And I'm glad to say that we've made great progress in healing. The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. What is the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the affair partner? Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Haven't you suffered enough? This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. I don't blame her. A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. Part of HuffPost News. This also backfired. Acceptance is the best thing that will ever happen to you. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. I contacted the AP via message. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). jesus My friend you are in big time denial. He claims they are not. Maybe you did this. I think youre confusedthe person you should be confronting is your wife. She is the one who is cheating, she is the one who has to accountable. T To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Save. Your loving wife is not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. WebIm confronting my wifes affair partner today. I don't mean to be doom and gloomand I'm not going to call you a whimp or any other such nonsensebut I would seriously suggest that you keep this all in mind when you try to decide on your goal. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. Marriage is between two people; the husband and wife. ]com), one In case the situation is getting out of hand, I would have a discussion with my husband. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. Your wife does not respect you or your marriage. 2018 Truth About Deception. So while you may have an I consider doing that an immature action. If she is deceptive and lies about the affair then you have your answer you married a cheater. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. She even apologized, and sounded sincere. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. You deserve to be a man again. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. I understand and agree with all of the 8 listed, however, my UW AP lives a couple miles down the road and we will inevitably run into each other. God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. Got a response. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Do not tell her how you know. The Day My Lover's Wife Confronted Me About Sleeping With Her Husband. I was done. And why you didnt post there following the replies? A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. makes your wife really central. You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might But a ship is not built to last, it it built to endure. First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? So he knows hes had what I call his fling. I also wanted an apology from him to me and my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. I have been in a similar situation like this before. Get out now and you should retain most of your assets. Im like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. Regardless of I have a public image to protect. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. What was once in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight. She does not deserve the recognition.